Libidos, vibrators and men: this is what your ageing sex drive looks like

Gloria Steinem’s 80th birthday declaration: a dwindling libido makes a woman’s mind ‘free for all kinds of great things’. Here are all those great things, from women of every decade – including, but not limited to, super-charged sex

The ups and downs of female sex drives are rarely discussed, nevermind celebrated by powerful figures. So when Gloria Steinem, on the eve of her 80th birthday, boldly declared that she felt a dwindling libido to be a “terrific advantage”, we decided to take the conversation a step further. In just 24 hours, nearly 300 women of all ages responded to our call. Many echoed Steinem’s sentiment, telling us about the freedom that a low sex drive provides. Others vehemently disagreed, insisting that their sex lives have only improved with age. Everyone was very, very forthcoming:

Click to navigate the responses:

Women in their 70s
Women in their 60s
Women in their 50s
Women in their 40s
Women in their 30s

Women in their 70s

Zero interest in locating a sex partner is very liberating. Sex with a person can be complicated and is hard work and, in my experience, rarely worth the energy. Sex with my Hitachi is more rewarding, less complicated and not nearly as exhausting. A date with my vibrator is at my convenience, it’s exhilarating, and it’s reliably great exercise. Sex is not complicated when no other humans are involved – and far less risk. – Jean, 73, US

Older women become invisible. I feel more in tune with men at least 10 years younger than myself. That is the problem as middle-aged men go for women in their 40s: women in their 70’s don’t stand a chance! – Ann, 70, US

It hasn’t changed at all! But reliable and “performative” partners are difficult to find! Pity the prejudices of a mature woman dating a (much) younger male! It seems that the other way around is fine! – Rajani, 70, Portugal

For me, diminished libido is yet another manifestation that my time has past. Outliving my vitality has not made me feel happy, free or wise. Dwindling libido can assuage somewhat the grief of persistent loneliness. Yes, it is a kind of blessing. – Carole, 70, Illinois

Women in their 60s

They do say that sex is mostly in the head; I spent 40 years worrying about my ‘failure’ to get it right. Instead of relaxing and understanding my body – and my responses to men – I went for ‘OK’ instead of waiting for ‘spectacular’. Now I’ve met a lovely man (I’m over 60), and sex is better and more frequent than it ever was. My libido is flourishing, thank you very much! – Trisha, 61, UK

I feel like I was trapped by my enthusiastic response to men my whole life. As though I was addicted to drugged. Now I’m free. It’s a great feeling. I wasted so much of my life being obsessed with men. A vast waste of time. – Clare, 62, London

My lack of sex drive has been enormously liberating. I look back with some regret at the years I wasted on men. I’ve recently, at age 60, completed a BSc in Computer Science and now work as a software engineer. Such an amazing world to discover, so little time. ... The hardest part is getting used to what I see in the mirror, and watching people react with revulsion to my ageing face. – Debra, 63, Ireland

My sex-drive is considerably lower – what a relief! No more chasing rainbows that turn into hell-holes. No more longing and yearning. No more not feeling good enough. I feel free. I feel that I’m doing what’s important to me. I’ve had loads of great sex in my life, but I don’t need it all the time, and I’m glad I don’t need it now when it would be harder to find. – Maxine, 65, UK

I had both my ovaries removed at 51. My libido plummeted. I had zero sex drive until my gyno prescribed testosterone cream. It made a huge difference. I recently fell in love with a man who is 73 and I’m having the best sex of my life and am multi-orgasmic for the first time. Hooray senior love. – Linda, 66, New York

Far from dwindling, my sex drive has surged since menopause. Sex toys are my best friends. – Carolyn, 65, San Francisco

Women in their 50s

The older I get the hornier I get. I’ve never wanted to be married, never wanted children, and I’m not looking for a relationship, so I date younger men, usually in their twenties, which works perfectly. I’m all about lots of stamina and very short recovery periods. – Cindy, 54, New York

I don’t think age has anything to do with it. My libido hasn’t diminished as I’ve got older. Rather it has waxed or waned with the different lovers I’ve had. – Christine, 52, London

Like Steinem, I’ve experienced relief that my episodes of extreme romantic and sexual longing have lessened. I experience this as a kind of liberation. I have new respect for the power of the biological urge now that hormones are releasing their hold on me. Though I do miss being ‘hungry’ for things, which can be a great motivational factor. – Elena, 52, Minneapolis

Sex is great at any age. The difference in getting older is that you don’t waste time having sex with the wrong men. – Kate, 59, London

I awoke from a radical hysterectomy aged 49, and thought, ‘Well, that’s it, no more cervix – orgasms will be a thing of the past.’ Wrong! I had always been a very sexual person up until my 40s, when I seemed to lose interest. But just a few days after my operation, I had strong sexual urges and experienced my first post-op orgasm soon after. It was a different sensation, but now after five years’ practice, my orgasms, although over within seconds, feel deeper and more satisfying than ever. I feel sexual every day (as opposed to sexy – I am a fat, scarred old grandmother after all!) and truly hope that this youthful feeling that having a strong libido provides lasts well into old age. Having lost my libido before my surgery, I do understand where Steinem is coming from. It is liberating, mentally and physically, to be free of your own body’s sexual demands. However, having had a re-charged super-libido literally thrust upon me out of the blue, I will be forever grateful (no matter how long these feelings last) for the ‘second chance’ sex life, and all the thrills and excitement that it is bringing to my life right now. – Eloise, 54, Dorset, UK

My libido has gone up in the past few years, while it’s gone down for men my age. I’ve compared notes with other women my age and they have found this true as well. It’s been a bit confusing – and I’ve had some trouble realizing that I should be dating much younger men rather than older men who just seem too boring. – Louise, 54, Alameda, California

It’s not my libido that has changed but my difficulty in finding a long-term lover. I’ve been mostly single the last six years, with a couple of short-term relationships I hoped would last ... but didn’t. Men my age who are available are only ever looking for young totty. – Laura-Belle, 52, Manchester

Women in their 40s

Now that I’m in my 40s, my lovers are younger ... and they have to keep up with me! I don’t know if my sex drive will lessen, but it’s not showing signs yet. I sometimes worry I may be the abnormal one, as many of my friends are glad it’s lesser and lesser. I find trying to find a partner near my own age a difficult matter; male libidos seem to be slower, but a long-term relationship with someone far younger isn’t realistic. I feel as though caught between the devil and the deep blue sea for trying to behave according to the norms for women. – Jennie, 49, London

[Someone once] said that losing his libido was like being unshackled from a madman. I feel the same. – Marie, 44, Pittsburgh

I’ve gone from having little-or-no sex drive in my 20s and 30s to a strong one in my 40s. I literally can’t have enough sex with my partner – he probably finds it maddening that I’m always pestering him! Looking back, I had two young children, a job and an unhappy marriage, so it would suggest my lack of sex drive in past years was affected by external factors. Now I’m happy and fulfilled it’s back and back with a bang! – Claire, 41, Kent

I joke that there should be a new relationship status category of ‘Retired’, which would describe me perfectly. – Vic, 43, London

My husband and I have had fights about my lack of sex drive. He feels unwanted, but I’m more in love with him than ever. He feels rejected, but I just can’t get turned on like I used to. – Michelle, 40, Manchester

It is so fabulously empowering to have a sex drive that is lower than what I had in my teens, 20s and 30s. I have more time to pursue what I really want in life and not be distracted by various sex-related (mis)adventures. I find it has also made me more appropriately assertive when it comes to dealing with male colleagues (older and younger). I don’t take bullshit from them anymore. One’s 40s, 50s and beyond are so underrated!– Cleo, 47, Massachusetts

Women in their 30s

As I’ve gotten older, my sex drive has increased tremendously. In my teens and 20s, I felt ashamed of my body. That self-criticism doesn’t exist now. I am confident in my skin in my mid-30s. No longer am I pre-occupied by what others think or say about me ... though I am pre-occupied by thinking about sex. – Janet, 35, Stratford

My sex drive has been altered by babies and cancer. These external influences put restrictions on my sex life, but a long-term, loving partner combined with a comfort about my body mean that I have less anxiety about my sexuality. While my libido is less consistent, being in a committed partnership means I have flexibility and understanding. – Devyn, 37, Prince George, Canada

My partner and I have gone through the process of using sex to try to get pregnant (without success so far), and it does concern me that we might have ‘broken’ sex as a result. It occurs to me less to instigate sex, which I think my partner sees as a major concern. I feel like we need to address it, but I’m busy and stressed with work and can’t find the motivation. It’s almost like I’d rather avoid sex completely instead of having to address it all. I’d like to know more about how others handle a prolonged phase of post-marriage, pre-children; how they invest in their sex life. Lisa, 38, London

It’s been a struggle for me, as a feminist who embraces the idea of women owning and being pro-active about their own desire and pleasure, to find that I’m just not as interested in sex anymore. I suppose I bought into the sort of mantra that women are supposed to hit their sexual prime in their 40s, so now that I’m approaching 40 and feel more indifferent than ‘prime’, I can’t help but feel like I’m somehow not living up to my ‘fully empowered woman’ potential. I really cringe at the notion that I’m becoming a cliche: the middle-aged married woman who’s not interested in sex anymore. – Kelly, 39, Detroit

Continue the conversation in the comments below the line – include your age if you like!

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